Last night I received an online order that I placed a couple of weeks ago with Christmas presents for the kids. For Lula I bought a reversible cotton summer dress with hippos and giraffes on it and black and white striped leggings. They are adorable and so hard to look at.
I am constantly trying to override reflexes. The instinct to covet girly things that I no longer need. Again, it's somehow the things that are oddly hard to cope with.
Someone asked me in the park this morning if I thought Roan missed Lula and I had to say "no". I really, truly don't think he perceives her as being gone. I think she is still with him in a way that us as adults and not her twin are incapable of knowing. This could be wishful thinking or bullshit. My imagining that Lula has magically been folded into her twin brother is a tremendous comfort. But I also think that Lula's presence was never something entirely physical to him. She was always, and still is, just that, a presence.
I am going to give the hippo dress and the leggings to another little girl and I hope that I can find a way to enjoy seeing her wear them.
For what it's worth, I don't think it's bullshit at all. In fact, your words about Lola's presence and her and Roan's connection seem more truthful than just about anything. Wishing continued strength for your family and an extra unidentifiable (or not so) step in your son's movement. She's surely with him.
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