FUTBOL

Sam and I are leaving Roan in care of my mother and going on our first vacation for two nights to Mohonk Mountain House. It looks pretty fancy for us - we usually go the route of camping, creaky guesthouses in the middle of nowhere, or cheap motels - but this was a scheme concocted by my mom to send us away for a break when Lula was still alive.  Our original dates were between Christmas and New Years but when Lula died a holiday seemed so irrelevant and incomprehensible. 

The last time we even attempted to leave was my birthday last June and we only went to Manhattan for the night.  We weren't ready, though, and our departure was fraught with second thoughts. Lula had a respiratory infection and needed oxygen and we spent a sleepless night in a beautiful room at the Standard.  You simply can't relax if everyone you love isn't safe. 

This time is so different, but of course I hate to say that.  I hate that my life is easier and more relaxed because my baby girl is dead.  But she is safe now and not in pain and not struggling to take a breath.  My other baby will happily be eating beef bourguignon with my mom (I cooked for them so she wouldn't take Roan to the diner for every meal) and having a wonderful time with her. All of this is important because Sam and I have to take the first steps towards enjoying something beyond Roan without always missing Lula in the same moment.  I don't even know if this is possible but I don't want to be afraid to enjoy things.

In preparation for three Roan-free days we spent a glorious day in Prospect Park with Gracie, Cecelia, Jason, Wally and our friend Josh.  It was sunny and we just sat on a blanket and did very little.  Gracie and Wally bounded around and Roan and Sam played a little soccer?- football?- futbol? Then we went and had burgers before taking Roan home for a bath and bed.  It's a simplicity we still haven't adjusted to.