09 July 2011


After months where this blog served as a reservoir for a flood of thoughts and emotions, I have felt a bit at a loss as to what to write of late. I am trying to process things, to grasp ideas so much larger than anything I have ever been confronted with before that I don't yet have any words.

So, I have been looking to the thoughts and words of others. Sam gave me a book for Mother's Day which went along with some coffee mugs I got from my mom for Christmas, all bearing the now ubiquitous slogan from Britain during WWII, "Keep Calm and Carry On". The title is an apt goal for this house, but my favorite quote in the book is this one:

Always be kind,
For everyone
Is fighting a
Hard battle.

- Plato

I have the sense that we keep from each other our deepest pain because it seems out of place in our day to day lives, but in protecting our pain we collectively do each other a great disservice. Pain is only exacerbated by loneliness.

There is nothing I can do to change Lula or our situation. All I can do is share it and share her with the world and hope that others feel she has a place in this world even if it's in a way no one has understood before.

I would like to ask anyone who is reading this who wants to to share their dark moments and/or how they found a way through them in the comments section. You can be anonymous, you can reveal all or no details, but please share what you think will help me and others who are trying to get through a really hard battle.

Thank you


  1. You are not alone in thinking that people keep their deepest pain hidden from others for so many reasons I don't even know where to begin. I've been guilty of doing just that so often lately when I look back I can't help but wonder why. And then it hits me, I don't want to burden anyone with my latest round of problems. But reality is, the people closest to you, the people who love you and want what is best for you, will embrace your deepest pain and do everything they can to make the load a little bit lighter for you to carry.

    Sometimes, people may think their issues aren't big enough, aren't important enough so they keep them all to themselves. I know I have been guilty of doing that. But the only thing that comes from keeping everything bottled up inside is the feeling of complete and utter isolation and despair.

    I've learned that talking actually does help. I'm not the best at revealing those thoughts and pains that burden me the most. Slowly but surely I open up. Slowly but surely the ache in my heart and in the pit of my stomach become less and less. I can only imagine and hope the same for you and Sam.

    Getting through some of my deepest and darkest moments have not been easy. Talking about issues has helped a lot. Keeping myself distracted has also helped. Having things to do, people to see, places to go, have all helped. It's amazing what a simple pedicure on a Sunday afternoon can do to let your mind escape for just an hour, or brunch with the ladies. And good friends around to either talk to, or just listen to, to make you laugh or help you cry or just grab a coffee or beer with....

    You guys are loved by so many. We are all just a phone call or text away. Keep reaching out, keep letting us in. This is the hardest thing you will ever have to go through in life but you don't have to do it alone..... xo

  2. Aggie I knew you would be the one to respond. You are such an immense source of strength to the people you love. Thank you I love you.

  3. After reading through every post I am so overwhelmed by your grace. We had a stillborn little girl and 5 late term miscarriages before our second son was born. I gave up. I did. Now that Abe is here I am sick with worry all the time for no reason. What do I do to get through? Get down to my guts. Like that primal scream weirdness that's on Law and Order sometimes. Keening isn't even close. I do it into the pillow sometimes so no one calls the cops. It drains me enough to get up off the floor without sobbing all day long like my crazy Aunt Evelyn. I hate exercise so that mud running crap everyone is into all of a sudden is totally out.

    1. I am so sorry for what you have gone through. I've had so many friends and acquaintances lose babies at some point or other I cannot believe how we are all just walking around, going about our business. It's astonishing to me that we don't all die with them from the pain, almost a cruel trick of evolution.

      I will say that the only thing that helps me is to help other people, or to witness others being helpful. It's the only thing that makes any sense afterwards.