30 December 2011


Courtesy of Whitney

When I remember who I was before having Lula and Roan I am astonished at the sense of entitlement that I had to my plans. Plans.  Plans to accomplish certain things, do certain things, own certain things, be certain things. I had so many plans and so many petty frustrations at not being able to force them into realization. Nothing that happened in 2011 was ever, ever a part of my plans.  But it is without a doubt the year that I have accomplished the most, that I have been the most present in my own life.

As hard as 2011 was it was the last year that Lula was here and I am therefore sad to let go of it. I have a fear of retreating into peacefulness from the chaos of Lula's condition. When you lose someone everything becomes sacred, even the bad things.  I had to pause before throwing out a bottle of Miralax yesterday because it was hers.   I want to learn to remember Lula without being swallowed by sudden, urgent pulses of grief. I want in the new year to learn to let go of things that keep me tethered to loss and to unrealized expectations without retreating from feeling in general.

 My new years resolution is to think of Lula whenever I am overcome with petulance or longing and simply be grateful that I can walk and talk and breathe with no effort.  Anything that happens beyond the health and safety of myself and my family is an unmitigated bonus. I know it will be a lifetime of letting go to get there.

Whitney's painting for Lula surrounded by hearts from Jake

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